We are in the middle of Little Lent or Advent, which is a time of waiting. Henri J.M. Nouwen writes:

To wait open-endedly is an enormously radical attitude toward life. It is trusting that something will happen to us that is far beyond our own imaginings. It is to live in the conviction that God moulds us according to God’s love and not according to our fear.

 

nor according to our judgement or pride, either. Thank God for that!

In preparation of the coming feast and as a way to take part in the waiting, I decided, this year, to abstain from coffee, black tea and all kinds of sweets, for the time of Little Lent. Usually, this is one of those things that is quite “easy” to do, as long as I have set my mind at it. After coming over the first days without the Black Gold, it is not that big of a effort abstinence wise. Nor does it provide difficult changes in body temperature and sleeping and/or moving habits, as a bigger fasts might do. I do, off course notice in a totally new way, all the amounts of chocolates and sweets offered, in this season of Christmas, but they don’t usually annoy me or become an obstacle on which I have reason to fall.

Until, the day when the Prioress, decides to announce a Friday Fast, for the sake of the Jubilee Year for the monastery I happened to be visiting.

At first I though:

- Well, Ok, I can go on bread and water for a day. Been there, done that…

Then my “instructor” told me:

- Don’t you worry, it’s a “Catholic” fast, you know ;)  We don’t stop eating, there’s just no snacks between meals and some people eat a little less then usual…

- Hmm… was my thought. And inside of me a voice went: Well, YOU can show them how it’s done! (while the smaller voice did it’s best to say; What?) and leave out, not just the meat, caffeine and sweets, but ALL cooked food. Go raw food only! That will be the “right” way to do it!

and even though I knew that first voice was not the best one to listen to, I decided to agree; A raw food fast was what I was to do! and By the Way, the arguments where my “problem” not my intension…

The breakfast went well, and I was enjoying my fresh juice, fruits and some soaked cereals.

At Morning Praise, one of the lovely sisters read from Matthew 6:

And whenever you fast, do not look dismal, like the hypocrites, for they disfigure their faces so as to show others that they are fasting. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward. But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, so that your fasting may be seen not by others but by your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you” 

(verses 16-18)

My Heart received is first small Sting, and I heard the Word, spoken to me.

I went on asking:

How am I to be all radical, and still don’t Show off?

 

Quite a spot my little ego had put me into now…

I tried to come to grips with it all by telling myself that nobody will be watching our plates, who would be so eager to “keep records” anyway? As long as I fill it up with LOTS of salad, I’ll be alright and

I can still “get away with it”…

The whole morning, doing dishes in the kitchen, ALL my thoughts circled around food. The Dinner they where making, how it contained bacon, even if it was supposed to be fish soup… and how I hadn’t been getting any fish, for month’s and NOW, when I wasn’t eating, of course it was served… and how these Catholics surely do “whatever” they want, at least the Orthodox monks, last Christmas, knew ALL of Advent is supposed to be Little Lent… and how, no wonder ALL the nuns are soo round around the belly, when they Never really follow the “Rule”… and how it’s funny that the good old protestants supposedly aren’t strict enough with their view of sacraments, but at least some of them seem to know their Spiritual Discipline’s better then others…

And it just went ooooon and  ooooon and oooooon. The amount of irritation growing inside of me, towards all and everything was quite amazing. I couldn’t almost believe my ears, or Head, cause luckily I didn’t let it all come out.

Sitting down to eat, most all of my energy, went to observe what all the rest of them where putting on their plates… Details of how much soup and how many pieces of bread and what kind of desert went on which persons plate, totally crowded the information-flow of my brain. Somebody was keeping records, all right! I can almost assure you, than NONE of the sisters had even the slightest interest in watching what I put into my body.

Finally the Dinner was over and I was able to escape to the quiet cell of my room.

Embarrassed and defeated.

God surely has his ways, of using even our stubbornness and self-importance, the deeply ingrown Pride of my Heart, to make his path clear to us. This is the “magic”, Bliss and Wonder of the Spiritual Disciplines. Even when my inner self, is full of bad interests and cluttered intensions, somehow God is able to “fix it” to my advantage. When my prideful Mind thinks She is in control, knowing exactly what she is, both good for, and up to, the discipline reveals my true Heart.

When, for One day only, out of 24 days of little lent, somebody else (namely the Prioress) has been given the Authority and I decide to yield under it, my whole mental system, goes bankrupt.

It is so sad to witness, yet so true. And the worst part is, that most probably, my Ego is playing this kind of tricks on me Daily. Only, Thanks be to the discipline of fasting, it is all revealed, also to myself.

I don’t even want to know, how I would look like, at my inside, without my Loving Father there, here to clean up my mess. And I surely am happy to be able to spend my time with Wise old Catholic nuns, unknowingly teaching me deep and important Community lessons. And Maybe it really IS more sound, especially for me, to practice the discipline of only eating a little and less often, next time a lent comes around.

At least I have learnt, once again, the importance of letting the waiting and preparation TRULY be Open-ended. Not thinking I have it figured out.

Let Your will be done, Father, only Your will is what I need

Love Unimagined

Future unknow

Like Nouwen continues:

Waiting is never a movement from nothing to something. It is always a movement from something to Something More.