All thanks to the fact that last week I became very sick and had to lie in bed for 7 whole days!

For me – a movement junkie that I am – this was a Huge effort to maintain. In order to make my stillness more bearable I decided to purchase myself an Audiobook. After some thinking and praying about it I found myself drawn to this best-seller book that has been plopping in and out of my life since last spring: EAT, PRAY, LOVE by Elizabeth Gilbert. And YES, it DID awaken my spirit to dig deeper into the goodness of Pleasure, Contemplation and manifesting the Simple Life <3

That is partly, why you find me back onto blogging.

The other part is, that while reading Gilbert’s story about finding a personal relationship with God, committing to her path of healing and the places and people this journey took her on, my first and foremost insight is – (in risk of sounding as an arrogant prat) Hey, I’ve been there! I’ve done that too!! and my story is actually, at times, even more amusing and deeper in the bones, than this one!!!

So, WHAT IF me, telling my story, could help and inspire other people, in cherishing their life stories, shading new light on their walk with God and encouraging each one of us, to continue to keep up the good work?!?

and Actually I’ve been missing the Joy of dancing words into sentences and seeing them unfold under my eye’s into a continues flow of my Heart speaking out Truths – partly as a Praising Thanksgiving to the one that made Word into flesh and partly as way to make the experiences more solid, filled with more awareness.

So, what I have committed to, is that the coming 40 days of Lent, I have given up Facebook, in order to clear some Space for sharing my stories with you. I won’t write every day and I haven’t promised a certain amount of words – cause that would be contrary to my wish for a more Simple and Present Life – yet I’ve decided to tell as much as my Heart Longs for and my Head has the energy to create for. I hope you will enjoy! I hope you will find Light, Love and Life <3

God talks to us through our individual Love Language.

Such a short statement and yet it makes ALL the difference in my mind. I don’t know if you have ever heard about The 5 Love Languages? Maybe you have, maybe not… it really doesn’t matter that much. But it makes all the sense in the world.

I often get the comment or even a slightly envious question, that why does God act like that in YOUR life, but not in mine? Why does it seems like he’s always there for you in that way? Why do some people tend to get so much out of their daily bible reading, while others end up empty and doubting the Living Word? Why do some people always seem to receive the exact amount of money or image in prayer, that they needed, while I’m left empty handed? Why do some people have visions of God or mystical encounters, while all I see is smoke and constant absence of touch? Why does God always seem to “fix” things in his or her life, while I have to do it all on my own?

God is a person, or three persons, if you so wish He is My Beloved, like I so often have stated, but He is also plainly Love. When Love comes to town, to pitch his tent amongst us. When Love settles down into our lives and wants genuinely to relate, of course He chooses to build the relationship through communication that talks to our deepest parts. Love comes into my heart and penetrates your soul, through many different paths. As we choose to seek him, naturally, he answers our quest in unique and original ways. As he knows exactly how You and I were made, how my heart searches his, he also knows exactly how I can receive his Love. Thus;

• He knows, that for some “Actions don’t always speak louder than words.” Love chooses to speak words of love and encouragement, through notes and letters in print. He relates to you with words of affirmation, telling you how dear you are to his Heart, how proud he his that You are his daughter or son. He wants to encourage you by by writing it down in his Book, that you are his Precious, the most valuable Gem in the world. He says it out loud, that He trusts you and knows you are woMan enough for this mission, never alone for a single fight or clueless without words well spoken.
• He knows, that for some it’s all about “undivided attention”. You may call it quiet time or a retreat, but what He loves to do is spend time with You, and you alone! No TV, radio or other distractions, it’s His heart and Yours, side by side, pulsing and sharing the beat of Life. He seeks you up, just to listen. He goes after you, in order to make a place for re-connection. He creates space for you to meet, truly sitting there, in each others presence. Sharing good times and bad, standing up for you, in any and every situation – it’s not for nothings he’s OMNIpresent
• He knows, that for some intentions are best shown though Gifts that display affection, love and effort to seek you out. Surprises that land in you hands when you least expect it, are signs of His undivided love for you. There might be that heart shaped stone, favorite flower or animal, that always comes to greet you in times of distress. It might be he knows your innermost being needs a certain color, tool or image to get through the day, so it comes in front of your eye’s in a newspaper article or through the postcard from a friend. He even sends you unexpected cheques or a healed body, mind or soul. Most of all, though he KNOWS you and gives his LIFE as the ultimate Gift, to make you know how Great his Love for you is!
• He knows, that for some “Actions DO speak louder than words.” He turns up to fix my life. He knows that I feel loved by a clean kitchen, newly baked bread, my favorite dish for a lunch date and an helping hand when I carry my bags. He Loves me by fixing the car, organizing the road-trip, arranging for the best seats in the house, heading out before me and cleaning up the mess after me. He’s the one that tells me to sit down and take it easy, cause I don’t need to be in charge, he’s got it all planned out. He Loves me in every little act of service and gesture of care, that I am served with from morning till night; food on the table, rooftop over me and a mattress to sleep on.
• He knows, that for some the gentle pat on the back, a warm hug in the silence of the morning or just standing close to one another in the store, is Love sensed and felt in my body, more real then anything else. He tells you: I Love you so much, I came here to become human, to be able to touch and move you. I love you so much, that I gave you fellowship, friends and family to show my presence in you life. He hold you hand, he’s there to lean on, in the storm, he draws you near and lingers long after everyone else has left. Constantly available, the rock to stand on, the body that nourishes, the one my heart longs to lean forward and kiss. Physically there, sensory aware, never changing.

How does Love speak to you?

Is you Love bilingual, trilingual?

He lives with the homeless, knows the prostitutes

sleeps with the drunkard

and

donates all the finances to the needy.

He questions my money & my status

lies in my sofa

and 

takes food from my fridge

Asking why and how come I think it is MINE!?

He’s been put in prison for his thoughts,

judged as an out-cast in media

and

talked bad about by every level of society – including You and Me at our coffee-tables

He’s here to proclaim a kingdom

and

wants to set us free -

WHY DO I FEEL SO BAD & HOPELESSLY FRUSTRATED IN LOVING?

In my mind I wish he would go away, that he would stop harassing me with his questions and statements – all to complicated for me to answer. Partly touching on sore spots, partly asking me to observe my own life, yet all without Care and fully without concern for anything else then his own mind.

In my heart I wish he would turn his ways, that he would see the Light and serve the True Kingdom – but who am I to throw back his own intolerance into the relationship? How can a man be touched, who doesn’t want to be led by anybody? How can a boy be loved that has a too big of a whole in his Self for any human to fill? 

Can Christ-likeness really be measured? Did he “win the game” cause his list of merits is longer then mine? Can I say he’s lacking in Love, when I don’t know myself how to love him well? When and how do I put up boarders for hemming him into the fold of right and wrong, when I don’t really want to have him that close at all…

When the rest of the World has failed him, who will be there to stand up for this one lost sheep? When, if ever, does God finally give us the freedom to just go ahead and follow our own stubborn minds, even when that might take people we care for, straight into their minds own Hell? And do I really care for His well being, or do I just want to get rid of the agony of seeing my own imperfection ?

- unable to accept that I have to let him Go and continue to show him the consequences of his own actions, so that THE TRUTH really can set us free – both me and this brother in rags.

Loving, thoughtful, active promotion of the good of others and the cause of God in our world, through which we experience the many little deaths of going beyond ourselves.

Some days I’m just so happy I have a God, or He has me. Those days I don’t understand how people can ever go through their lives without this awareness.

Like, when a way too close of a family member, calls me and asks if I could come and clean her apartment and I can’t come up with any good enough excuse, why not to. I put on my dancing clothes and take off, just to find that when I arrive, it really wasn’t a need of the sort I had imagined… Actually, I get so annoyed over the circumstances that I’m ready to take off or at least Tell her off. In the midst of the fumes I hear a voice in my head reading from His Words:

I was hungry and you fed me, 
I was thirsty and you gave me a drink, 
I was homeless and you gave me a room, 
I was shivering and you gave me clothes, 
I was sick and you stopped to visit, 
I was in prison and you came to me.

(…) ‘I’m telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me.

Matthew 25:35-40 (The Message)

And I know that she, isn’t just one of these little ones, she even made the huge step to Ask me, if I could come.

So I take the vacuum cleaner and repeat the mantra in my head: “I’m doing this for you, I’m doing this for you, Oh, how I’m doing this for you…”

Soon enough I realize that with such a stern face and harsh thought’s, I’m actually doing more harm then good. “It’s so much easier to serve those who are worthy of it!” I STOP. Ask for the Joy of Movement and Almighty God, for some happy thoughts! Continue, only when I’ve found back to the right track. STOP. Ask again and don’t move before it’s all there… and so the struggle continued, for the following 45 minutes. 

I’m sure I couldn’t have ever made it through without His loving presence. Can you?

Why didn’t you come to rescue us?

Where are you in all this chaos and mess? In the middle of the Storm called Life?

That’s what the preacher asked us today, out on the furtherest rocks, that have been kissed by the Sea for thousands of years… And in the same way Lucy asked; Could you have prevented this all from happening, if you would have shown up a little bit earlier?

With tear-filled eyes I stand like her stating: I always knew you Would come!

And just like HE answered her, He whispers to me: Well, Why didn’t you come out here to fetch me earlier? Why do I stand there fighting on my own, to the bare end, when I could have followed him all those times I heard him calling? How hard can it be, to give over the command to a King who is WILD, not tamed, Yet GOoD? But I think I can do it, until exhausting catches me…

It IS a bloody battle, this life of ours… Every day there is so much Goodness and yet so much pain and suffering. Sometimes it feels like ALL the tough things come Tumbling down, all at once. And I ask the silly question of  wonder, at why He isn’t here to just rescue us, calm the Storm and make pain disappear?

Still, I do know, that it is I who need to jump out of the boat and let the Storm sweep me… For living Life fully, I need to take this little rowing boat of mine, set the course for a Land out in the horizon and keep on steering. Life in the Storm is a constant fight and HE has given us a promise. 

HE will never come in the same way twice

and for all that 

HE is already HERE

and all of a sudden I found the answer to the question that had been luring in the back of my head. 

Relaxed – had I really been able to relax?

Secure – did I feel safe enough to loose the tension?

In charge – do I trust Him to care for me even now, also here?

Can I let go, unwind my mind and rest my heart in the Safe-Heaven that has been offered?

The answer came soft and tenderly, it crept up into my lap and whispered in my ear… It spoke about a dream of a house, a boat out in the sea, a journey of many silent hours and a fire place in the middle of nowhere . The Vision told me what relaxed looked like, the Dream awakened the sensation of ease and the moment opened my Heart to awareness of where I am going.

Nowhere is the place where finally I am Now-here.

And it is only from that new state of relaxation that any inter-action can be fruitful. How can I have forgotten? I, just as every one of us, have been granted many gifts and I have gathered various tools yet they haven’t been in use. I have miss-used, in my eagerness to accomplish. Perfecting my perfection is the outcome of tools miss-handled. Running in the Race, but not knowing where I come from, can only lead to exhaustion.

Here & Now I have had time to Slow Down. 

Here & Now my worries have been Cared for.

Here & Now I have listened to Dreams.

Here & Now I sense from where Life Springs – I can sip from the fountain – I know were to Go. I know a Place, after which Eyes will See, Ears will Hear, Hearts will Beat and I can slowly Unbutton Life <3

The following is a little story from my trail, on the way home.

Waking up under an pick-nick shelter on the beach of Cavendish, in Prince Edwards Island National Park, the first thought coming to my head is: Thank you Beloved, for waking me up for yet another day in Your Kingdom! My quiet prayer was that I may, this day, be used to Glorify YOU and I asked for an adventure where I could actively serve in His Kingdom. Little did I guess where this simple quest would take me, before the day was over!

Packing my belongings into my back-pack I noticed that I had been spared the morning shower and was now surrounded by blue skies and golden sunlight. My early morning hike through the dune-lands started with spotting of both a hawk. Added by the soaring eagle right over my head, which makes me wonder if I’ll be the mouse or eagle, in this day’s spirit filled journey… The trail was further enriched by a little wild rabbit and squirrel sharing their breakfast time with me, concluding that some times it is quite pleasant to rise with the sun. 

Looking at my map, I try to make up my mind over which direction would be the most convenient to ask for a ride to, in order to head towards the town of Victoria on the opposite side of the island. I never really knew why I wanted to go to Victoria, except that they supposedly had a chocolate factory shop and some nice café’s and galleries, in case the promised rain really would fall. Till this day, Victoria remains undiscovered…

Walking straight out from the National park I hit Green Gables road. The second car driving past is a red wagon driving on the opposite side of the road, but she slows down and before I even have time to wonder out loud, if this might be my first adventure of the day? a red-haired and freckled young girl, pulls around in a U-turn and asks where I am heading. Telling this Anne-like figure that I actually don’t know, she invites me in and we go hunting for the local breakfast spot. Soon she had shared her love story and both of us had agreed that company is better then solitary thinking around unsolvable mysteries.

We headed out to explore the world of fiction and reality intertwined, in the birth-place and life of L.M. Montgomery. Childhood dreams and adult memories formed into a new understanding of the importance of stories: telling our stories, listening to others’ stories and sharing life dreams – females giving hearts like little girls.

Afternoon turned into evening and unexpectedly I found myself in the drivers seat, leaving behind us the enchanted island of lush green hills, red soil, sand dunes and steep bedrock seafronts of deepest rusty nuances covered with long green grasses. 

The deep blue sea still following our path, we drive in to the windy roads and wast forests of Nova Scotia. On a random rest-stop we park in front of the only person both of us have in common – Mr. Levi from the hostel in Charlottetown – 150 km away from our original place of encounter and the word Coincidence just looses it’s meaning…

Driving with the crimson sky behind me and a deep salt-water lake on my side, the increasing amounts of Loch’s on the signs of the road and stories of red-bearded men in the air, makes me feel like this was a very good option and home is what I am heading towards. Still, I didn’t ever imagine, waking up, the next morning, in a yellow wooden “villa” of more then 100 years, where the books of an university professor linger in the shelves and the parlor has a open fireplace with old records playing music that the master of the house himself could have created. Little less did I ever consider that my service would consist in dancing with a 5-year-old princess and 33-year-old former tree-planter, the following morning, in the dining-room of this mansion after spending the past evening cooking festive meals together, talking about newly awakened relationships to the creator-God-of-the-universe, drinking good red wine and listening to the adventures and songs of a man born and raised on Cape Breton. Most of all, I never knew I signed a contract that would take me to seeing North Americas oldest and largest fortress: Louisbourg and eating baked beans with molasess, fish burgers and green tomato chow-chow just days before my bus was to leave from Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island. 

What’s new in your small print of the day?  

And then,

there are those days when all that is left, is a deep, deep longing… a craving for it all to be true.

all of the certainty washed away. 

Some days it is just so hard to believe, I start doubting if it is only I who am stubbornly wanting to swim in de Nile…

Holy darkness, Blessed night,
Heaven’s answer hidden from our sight.
As we await you, O God of silence,
We embrace your holy night.

To wait open-endedly is an enormously radical attitude toward life. It is trusting that something will happen to us that is far beyond our own imaginings. It is to live in the conviction that God moulds us according to God’s love and not according to our fear.

 

nor according to our judgement or pride, either. Thank God for that!

In preparation of the coming feast and as a way to take part in the waiting, I decided, this year, to abstain from coffee, black tea and all kinds of sweets, for the time of Little Lent. Usually, this is one of those things that is quite “easy” to do, as long as I have set my mind at it. After coming over the first days without the Black Gold, it is not that big of a effort abstinence wise. Nor does it provide difficult changes in body temperature and sleeping and/or moving habits, as a bigger fasts might do. I do, off course notice in a totally new way, all the amounts of chocolates and sweets offered, in this season of Christmas, but they don’t usually annoy me or become an obstacle on which I have reason to fall.

Until, the day when the Prioress, decides to announce a Friday Fast, for the sake of the Jubilee Year for the monastery I happened to be visiting.

At first I though:

- Well, Ok, I can go on bread and water for a day. Been there, done that…

Then my “instructor” told me:

- Don’t you worry, it’s a “Catholic” fast, you know  We don’t stop eating, there’s just no snacks between meals and some people eat a little less then usual…

- Hmm… was my thought. And inside of me a voice went: Well, YOU can show them how it’s done! (while the smaller voice did it’s best to say; What?) and leave out, not just the meat, caffeine and sweets, but ALL cooked food. Go raw food only! That will be the “right” way to do it!

and even though I knew that first voice was not the best one to listen to, I decided to agree; A raw food fast was what I was to do! and By the Way, the arguments where my “problem” not my intension…

The breakfast went well, and I was enjoying my fresh juice, fruits and some soaked cereals.

At Morning Praise, one of the lovely sisters read from Matthew 6:

And whenever you fast, do not look dismal, like the hypocrites, for they disfigure their faces so as to show others that they are fasting. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward. But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, so that your fasting may be seen not by others but by your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you” 

(verses 16-18)

My Heart received is first small Sting, and I heard the Word, spoken to me.

I went on asking:

How am I to be all radical, and still don’t Show off?

 

Quite a spot my little ego had put me into now…

I tried to come to grips with it all by telling myself that nobody will be watching our plates, who would be so eager to “keep records” anyway? As long as I fill it up with LOTS of salad, I’ll be alright and

I can still “get away with it”…

The whole morning, doing dishes in the kitchen, ALL my thoughts circled around food. The Dinner they where making, how it contained bacon, even if it was supposed to be fish soup… and how I hadn’t been getting any fish, for month’s and NOW, when I wasn’t eating, of course it was served… and how these Catholics surely do “whatever” they want, at least the Orthodox monks, last Christmas, knew ALL of Advent is supposed to be Little Lent… and how, no wonder ALL the nuns are soo round around the belly, when they Never really follow the “Rule”… and how it’s funny that the good old protestants supposedly aren’t strict enough with their view of sacraments, but at least some of them seem to know their Spiritual Discipline’s better then others…

And it just went ooooon and  ooooon and oooooon. The amount of irritation growing inside of me, towards all and everything was quite amazing. I couldn’t almost believe my ears, or Head, cause luckily I didn’t let it all come out.

Sitting down to eat, most all of my energy, went to observe what all the rest of them where putting on their plates… Details of how much soup and how many pieces of bread and what kind of desert went on which persons plate, totally crowded the information-flow of my brain. Somebody was keeping records, all right! I can almost assure you, than NONE of the sisters had even the slightest interest in watching what I put into my body.

Finally the Dinner was over and I was able to escape to the quiet cell of my room.

Embarrassed and defeated.

God surely has his ways, of using even our stubbornness and self-importance, the deeply ingrown Pride of my Heart, to make his path clear to us. This is the “magic”, Bliss and Wonder of the Spiritual Disciplines. Even when my inner self, is full of bad interests and cluttered intensions, somehow God is able to “fix it” to my advantage. When my prideful Mind thinks She is in control, knowing exactly what she is, both good for, and up to, the discipline reveals my true Heart.

When, for One day only, out of 24 days of little lent, somebody else (namely the Prioress) has been given the Authority and I decide to yield under it, my whole mental system, goes bankrupt.

It is so sad to witness, yet so true. And the worst part is, that most probably, my Ego is playing this kind of tricks on me Daily. Only, Thanks be to the discipline of fasting, it is all revealed, also to myself.

I don’t even want to know, how I would look like, at my inside, without my Loving Father there, here to clean up my mess. And I surely am happy to be able to spend my time with Wise old Catholic nuns, unknowingly teaching me deep and important Community lessons. And Maybe it really IS more sound, especially for me, to practice the discipline of only eating a little and less often, next time a lent comes around.

At least I have learnt, once again, the importance of letting the waiting and preparation TRULY be Open-ended. Not thinking I have it figured out.

Let Your will be done, Father, only Your will is what I need

Love Unimagined

Future unknow

Like Nouwen continues:

Waiting is never a movement from nothing to something. It is always a movement from something to Something More.